Talking to Kids About Trauma

For many of us, September 11, 2001 was a defining event in our childhood or young adulthood. We can remember where we were when it happened. We remember how confusing the world felt when we saw those images flash on the screen. For some, this was our first major exposure to the type of confusion and trauma that occurs when the world feels out of control and uncertain.

In the aftermath, we saw and felt the grief and unity that often accompany a tragedy. “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “ Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping .” -Fred Rogers As parents, we can’t always control what our kids are exposed to. Even with the most vigilant efforts, research shows that the majority of kids will be exposed to some type of violent or traumatic event before the age of eighteen–whether directly as a victim or indirectly through the news and social media.

So what can you do as a parent? Many of the same tactics you use to communicate with your kids about the everyday dramas of their lives will support your conversations when trauma occurs. In this article, we will share top tips for initiating tough conversations and providing the stable support kids are craving when something bad happens. Take care of yourself first If your child has been exposed to something traumatic, odds are you have been too .

Take a moment to process your own reaction to the trauma before attempting to initiate a conversation with your child. This might be as simple as taking a few deep breaths to calm a racing heart. If you can, step away from the situation and take a moment alone to process your own emotions. Initiating the conversation When talking to your child about traumatic events, you may not have all the answers and solutions they seek.

Focus instead on opening up lines of communication and showing your child that it is ok to ask you questions and talk about sensitive and emotional subjects. Ideas for initiating the conversation: Spend quality time doing an activity with your child : For young children, playing together can create a feeling of safety that will help them initiate a conversation about their fears. Dramatic play and art projects can be especially conducive to opening up dialogue.

Ask direct questions: You could ask “What did you see/experience?” “How do you feel about what you saw/experienced?” Guiding the conversation Now that you have initiated the conversation, be prepared to respond and guide the conversation. Keeping your child’s age and development in mind, stay on their level and respond with curiosity and love, rather than fear. Tips for guiding the conversation : Listen more than you talk: Ask questions and allow your child to verbalize what they know.

This will help you avoid over responding to questions and concerns they may not have. Stay curious: Continue asking your child questions to get to the heart of their experiences and fears. Respond with honesty: Give clear answers to any questions and be as direct as possible without divulging graphic details. Reassure your child: Give your child a hug and reassure them that you can get through anything together and that you will always be there for them.

Encourage them to talk to you anytime they are scared or worried. Find ways to help: If you can, look for ways that you and your child can be helpers in the face of tragedy, especially when the trauma is an indirect experience. Advice from a mama Tamisha Jones Schetselaar is part of our Momni community and has a big, beautiful family that includes six kids, horses, chickens, dogs, cats, and bunnies. She had this to share about supporting her family through trauma and grief: “We lost my mom about 7 years ago and my kids have been able to grieve with me by talking about my mom and sharing the stories and things we remember about her.

I have always demonstrated an openness of feelings and we validate those feelings and process what has happened. It’s never too soon to start talking to your children about trauma and grief. Sometimes you don’t even have to talk to them and all they need is for you to listen and be there for them and hold them, hug them, and provide a safe place for them to share their feelings. On another note it helps my kids to feel safe when we go through emergency drills at home on what they are supposed to do in an emergency.” As Tamisha’s story highlights, we don’t always get to control what happens to us or our children.

This is one of the most difficult aspects of being a parent. As parents, our instinct is often to protect and shelter. Facing these tough conversations head on will simultaneously give your children the tools they need to cope in the moment and provide them with a framework to address tough situations as they get older and experience challenges more independently. Tragedy often leads us to hope and connection, and for most of us, our family is our first community.

Discussion/journaling ideas for adults: Share a time your family worked through a traumatic event together. What strategies did you use? What was helpful and what was not? Discuss ideas for self care in the face of trials.

How do you stay calm when bad things happen? Share ideas for family emergency plans. How would your family respond to a fire? Natural disaster?

Home invasion? Use these ideas to craft your own emergency plan and share with your children What tips would you add to this list? Email us with your ideas at support@momni.com Sources https://www.samhsa.gov/sites/default/files/tips-talking-to-children-after-traumatic-event.pdf https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/talking-to-children